Life as Lola

Trying this again

2010-10-10T15:37:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in over 2 years! WOW! I started this blog because I thought it would be fun and a theraputic. I enjoyed posting when I had the time and felt pressure from myself to try and post more often that I did. Hopefully I can be a little more consistent with my posts and not pressure myself so much. I'm doing it for fun so I need to remember that so I don't spoil my own fun! :)

Frustration x 10

2008-08-26T19:10:00.000-07:00

Let me just say that I am a talker. I talk all the time with pretty much anyone about almost anything. I not one of those mysterious people you look at and say "wow I wonder what she's thinking. " I pretty much will tell anyone completely personal details about my life. I've been this way as long as I can remember. I like to share and I find that my sharing encourages others to share with me which satisfies my nosy nature. The problem with this is that I am not a single person anymore, I am part of a "we." This means that sometimes the things that I share include details about others in my life and this is causing problems. In my defense I'm not attempting to demean or embarrass my other or "air dirty laundry" I just like to share my life with others. Now, I would not betray a confidence. If I am asked not to share something I won't, but if there is no disclaimer then I feel most things are fair game. I find it very frustrating that people who have know me for over a decade now find huge fault with this aspect of my personality. I'm going through a time of great irritation and dissatisfaction. I've had a very stressful past few months and currently no aspect of my life feels stable. I feel so frustrated (hence the creative title of this post) and I honestly am to the point where I just don't give a damn. I'm tired of the struggle, I'm tired of the disagreement and I'm tired of trying to please everyone else. Screw 'em all I say.

Panera Surprise

2008-07-22T18:13:00.000-07:00

OK, let me start by saying this is the FOURTH time I've had to type this post. The first two times I accidentally deleted it after a couple of sentences and then once I had finally typed the whole thing in and clicked on publish post I got an error that blogger was down!!! FRUSTRATION!!!!!!!

Ok, that's over. I actually want to share an exciting thing that happened to me today at an otherwise boring time of day. I went to lunch with a friend from work and she suggested Panera Bread. We went to a location near the hospital that I actually have never gone to. While ordering my sandwich and giving my very specific instructions for toppings someone behind the counter started mocking me a bit and said "you obviously haven't been to Panera in a long time. . we don't have sprouts anymore" normally I would have ignored this person or made some smart remark but her voice made me actually look at her and Oh my goodness it was one of my best friends from high school! I was so excited that I screamed and ran over to her and gave her a big 'ol hug, completely forgetting to finish ordering my food. I haven't seen Carrie in 6 years so it was so cool to randomly see her at a restaurant I never go to. Last I knew she was living in St Louis, but it turns out she moved back her a few years ago and didn't know my new last name (marriage and all that) so couldn't get in touch. Crazy huh? Of course we exchanged email/phone numbers and hopefully we can get together very soon. I don't know if we have anything in common anymore but it'll be fun to find out! Bob has kept in touch with so many of his friends from high school and I have not. When I went away to college I kept in touch with a few of them but over the years I've lost touch with all of my closest friends. It'd be so great to have friends around again who new me before I was just some body's mommy/wife/employee etc. Also it'll be fun to be able to say "remember that time when. . . . . " I've been thinking a lot about family and friends since Grandpa died last week. I realized how much I've missed out on over the years by not being as close with my family. I hope that I can do a better job of maintaining relationships in my life that really matter.

Just a few things to say

2008-07-04T18:38:00.000-07:00

I've just spent the last hour or so catching up on some of my favorite blogs. It's been so long since I've taken the time to read some of my favorites. . I've discovered I've missed quite a bit! My cousin in her blog made a comment about how her employer has blocked blogger and it just so happens we work for the same place and I agree totally that it sucks! It's so much easier to blog at work that at home. I have the kids and husband hounding me for this and that and it's so hard to sit down at the computer and write. This is why my journals are sitting unopened on my nightstand. Today is the fourth of July which happens to be my grandparents anniversary. I think that is a very cool day to get have gotten married. My family usually gets together at my grandparents house and has a really fab celebration. I haven't been to it myself in several years but I have great memories of it. This year I'm spending my evening at home with my now 17 month old Emie while my 4 year old Max is off with his daddy. We went to a celebration last night and didn't get home until 10:30 which is super late for my kids. Emie is always in bed by 8 so tonight she was in no kinda shape to be around anybody! It's been awhile since I've posted so I'll share a bit of info to catch anyone who is interested up. My temporary job has become permanent. I love the job but miss being at home with my kids. Fortunately we have found super childcare for both kids but I beat myself up daily for paying someone else to raise my children. Both kids are doing super! We've had a couple of great mini-vacations this summer. We spent a weekend in St Louis and went to the Arch, Union Station and the Zoo. The zoo has a great Dinosaur exhibit and Max loved it! Emie wasn't as impressed but we got a kick out of her saying "moo" to all the dino's! We also took Max camping a couple of weeks ago. That was a great time. Emie spent the weekend with her Poppa and Grandma which was totally the right decision. It was hot and it rained and she would have hated every minute of it. Max had the best time and we are going to go again soon. I'm going to get either my husband or my oh so tech savvy cousin to show me how to add pic's so I can put Emie and Max in these posts so you'll see how adorable they are. Well I've started blogging again and hopefully I can at least make it a weekly habit 'cause I know I can't do it daily.

Where has time gone???

2007-11-04T11:35:00.000-08:00

Wow, it's been forever since I've looked at my home computer let alone had time to blog. I have started my full-time very busy job and It's going well so far. My kids are having a hard time adjusting to the new schedule but it'll be ok. We had a really good week thanks to Halloween! This is the first year I've actually taken Max trick-or-treating door to door. In the past we've just gone to the grandparents houses (which takes all night) and called it good. This year we decided to make it easy on ourselves and we dressed up both kids and walked down the street to the neighbors that we've met. Max was a cowboy and looked so cute and Emie was a flower. She was adorable! Max was so excited about going to all the houses and eventhough we really only went to about 6 houses he thought he struck the candy jack pot! We were only gone about 30 min's so I was able to put Emie to bed on time and Max helped Daddy pass out candy to all goblins that come to our house. I think he liked that almost as much as getting candy himself! One more really exciting thing that happened is Emie actually crawled for the first time up on her hands and knees. She has been mobile for a while doing a version of an army crawl but on Halloween she got up on all fours and crawled across the room to me. I was taking pictures of her at the time in her Halloween costume so I got some cute pictures of her coming toward me. I was so excited that she did it when we both got to see her. I miss spending each day with the kids but it is nice to be doing something other than laundry and changing diapers!

Quality child care???

2007-09-24T10:04:00.000-07:00

I start my full-time temporary job in just a few weeks and I'm feeling very stressed! Not about the job, but about child care. I've been so lucky that family has watched Emie (& Max when he's not in pre-school) while I've subbed. But that has only been one or two days a week. Once I'm working Monday-Friday and actually required to be there I know that I need more reliable care for them both. Max will start going to pre-school 3 days a week instead of 2 and Bob will have to start taking his day off on Thursday and my parents will watch Max on Tuesday so he's taken care of, but that leaves Emie. She'll be 9 months old when I start working and I really hoped that my mother-in-law would split the time with my mom at least until January, but I don't think that is going to work out. So I've started the search for child care and it is so scary! I've called the lady who watched Max for me to see if she might have an opening and hopefully that will work out. Eventhough I do trust her and she did so great with Max I still hate the idea. Emie goes to bed about 7:30 each night and wakes up about 7 each morning. Once I'm working I'll be lucky to spend 3 hours with her during the work week. That absolutely kills me! Max stays up later but not by much so I'll maybe have 4 hours with him. I know tons of moms do this, I did it with Max but it makes me so sad to think of leaving them again. I just need to look at the positives of it. Max is doing so great at pre-school. His teachers are amazing and he has learned so much in a very short time. I know that Em will like being around other kids, she loves Max and it'll be fun for her to have other little girls to play with.
On to other news, Emie is now crawling. She can't go forward yet but she goes backwards anywhere she wants to go. It's very cute! Max thinks it's so funny to crawl with her and that usually ticks her off pretty good. We are getting ready for a trip to Ohio in two weeks. That should be an interesting drive with both kids. We are leaving in the evening so hopefully they will sleep most of the time. It should be a lot of fun. It's our first official vacation as a family of 4, thankfully it's only for a long weekend!

The wise lady at the table

2007-09-17T17:47:00.000-07:00

I've been getting called a couple a days a week to substititue and it's going really well. I've taught kindergarten, high school and 6th grade. So far I've liked 6th grade the best which is good because that is the age-range I'm planning to become certified in.
I had to go for an orientation training for another district last week and it was really very informative so I'm glad that I went. I did have a bit of an eye-opening experience while there. There were four of us sitting at the table listening to a gal go over all the instructions for the paperwork in our packet. We had to fill out w-4's, emergency contact info and the like. I breezed through it pretty quickly and waited for the next step of the orientation. While I sat there the girl across from me (early 20's I'd guess) looked at me and asked me a couple of questions about how to fill out her form. I answered her. Then the gal sitting next to her (also early 20's) asked me a couple of questions about what the instructor had said. I answered her. Then the guy sitting beside me (maybe mid 20's) asked me more questions about the forms and about our next instructions. Once again I answered him. It occured to me then that I was the most experienced (i.e. oldest) person at the table. These college-age students were looking to me for advice because they could tell just by looking at me that I was way older and therefore had probably done this kinda thing a time or two. As I've said before my age doesn't bother me, not at all. But I have to admit it is a bit of a shock to realize people look at me and instantly know that I'm not young. I wish I could see what others see when they look at me. My sister-in-law was looking at pictures of me from a few years ago and she made the comment "Boy you sure do look a lot different than you used to." I laughed and asked if that was a good thing, she didn't respond. A good friend of mine turned 30 today and I had to give her a bit of grief as she did to me 3 years ago. I welcomed her to the club of 30-somethings and she responded "thanks, but you're still closer to 40 than I am." I'm not concerned about turning 40 however, I might start investing in some good anti-aging cream.

Happy Birthday Mommy & Max

2007-09-10T18:47:00.000-07:00

I love birthdays. I love cake, ice cream, barbecues, presents and everything about birthdays. I especially love to celebrate my kids special day. Max and I both have September birthdays (3 days apart) and my anniversary is this month so we do a lot of celebrating this time of year. This year we had planned on having an immediate family only party for Max but when we started talking to him about planning the party his face lit up and he said "I can't wait for my birthday 'cause that's when all my friends are going to come over! I can't wait to give them goody-bags. " Goody bags are a big deal to him. He has been collecting stuff for months to put in his friends bags. They all got pictures he drew, glued or cut, crayons that he found in the bottom of his toy box, pencils that he dug out of my old briefcase, candy from last Halloween and other equally good things! In case you are wondering I did warn the mom's about all this "treasure" and I put in some new treats that we bought at a real store!

Of course Bob and I couldn't disappoint him and the small party turned into the giant friends and family party we say we aren't going to do every year. We had quite the time figuring out what the theme of the party should be. Somehow we went from Jungle, to Pirates, to Batman and then ending up with a Superman party, AAAGGGHHH! But is was a ton of fun. All our friends have little boys around Max's age and they love getting together to play and round two of all our kids have been girls so we get to put the little one's together to look at each other. It stopped raining just in time for the party so we were able to spend some time outside which is great because our house is just not big enough for all those people.

His birthday is actually the 9th but we had his party on Saturday and then on Sunday we had a little birthday breakfast where we gave him the present from us. We bought him his first real bike. We had it parked in the family room waiting for him when he got up. It was so funny because he walked in there and looked at is and said "I wanted a green bike" and went back to his room. The bike we bought is orange. I told Bob when we bought it that he wanted a green or blue one, but the orange one really is a lot cooler looking. After several hours he decided he liked it and wanted to keep it. He looks so grown up with his little harley inspired helmut riding his big bike. And according to Max, being 4 is way cooler than being 3 was!!!!

Working 9 to 5

2007-08-15T18:13:00.000-07:00

It was the first day of school in Republic and I was called in to substitute in the transitional kindergarten classroom. This is a class for kids not quite ready for the classroom due to a special need. I was so excited and it was a fantastic day! I have to say I'm extremely tired and ready to go to bed at 8:00 p.m. I was up by 5:30 this morning and that is the first time I've gotten up that early (and stayed up) since before Emie was born. We've all been sleeping in until at least 7 or 7:30 and I had to be at the school this morning by 7:30! What a change of pace for me! The kids did great this morning even though I had to wake them both up by 6:30. They both got to stay with Grandma so I didn't have to worry about them.
I'm even more excited now about going back to school to get certified to teach. I thought I wanted to teach middle school but I had so much fun with the little one's today that now I'm not sure. It'll be good to sub for a variety of grades so I can find what I think is the best fit for me.
I do have to say I had some mommy guilt today. It was kinda nice to be away from my own kids and to be working again, at the same time I kept wondering what the kids were doing and I missed them both like crazy. When I went to bed last night I just happened to turn on Oprah and it was this big debate between working and stay-at-home moms. These women were really going after each other about which choice was the better one. I have to say that I was angry more than once over comments from both sides of the issue. I feel so fortunate to have been able to stay home these past 7 months with my children, but I also feel like I have a lot to contribute in a workplace. What I don't understand is why women can't just support each other and try and offer encouragement no matter what individual choices we make. I have friends who stay home and I have friends who work and none of us think the other is making a bad choice. We all are willing to help each other out however we can and we try to be good friends to each other. Women need to start building networks to build each other up, not slap each other in the face because we do things differently. I don't know a single dad who judges other dads the way moms do.

I'm back

2007-08-13T19:02:00.000-07:00

It's been 3 weeks since I've been on the computer, 3 weeks of complete chaos. My husband has been traveling to Tulsa over the past 3 weeks so I've been a single parent and have had to deal with more than my fair share of problems. Our air-conditioning stopped working twice and with 100+ degree weather, the kids and the dog, we've been bouncing between our house and my mother-in-laws. On top of that I had to put my car in the shop, take my son to the cardiologist, had a job interview, and watched my niece and nephew. Things are finally settling down. I'm happy to report my house is nice and cool, my son's EKG & echo turned out fine, I was offered a job and school starts on Wednesday for Blake and Aubrey. There have been some really good things that have happened over the past 3 weeks too. My daughter was baptized on July 29th and she looked so beautiful. My mom and grandma made her gown. They used material from my mom's wedding dress and it was perfect. She looked like a little angel in that dress. If I can figure out how to post pictures I'll try and put one on here. I've very excited about the job as well. It doesn't start until the end of October and only goes until the end of Feburary but it will be some excellent experience and very good compensation. In the meantime I'll still be able to substitute teach and school starts this week. It'll be nice to be making some money again and Max is really ready to go to pre-school. Emie now has two teeth and she has started rolling all over the floor. Last week she couldn't even go from her belly to her back and now she won't slow down. She just rolls all over the floor and is starting to get into everything! It's so cute to watch her because she gets so excited when she reaches her intended destination. Hopefully this is the last week Bob has to be in Tulsa. It really stinks without him here. Max really misses him and so do I.

sappy mother moment

2007-07-21T07:44:00.001-07:00

Yesterday as my daughter, Emie, and I were leaving the mall she opened her mouth really wide and laughed and I saw a tiny white spot on her gums. Upon further inspection I discovered her first tooth! I was so excited and she looked so cute! But then as I got in the car to drive home I became an emotional wreck! It's amazing how such a small milestone can conjure up such strong feelings and thoughts of how my little girl is growing up and isn't a tiny baby anymore. I was a teary-eyed mess all the way home. Time goes by so quickly and my children are growing up way too fast. My son is almost 4 and is ready to start school. He asks me questions about school all the time. "Mommy, what will I need to pack in my back-pack to take to school?" "Mommy, what if I forget to bring something? Will the teacher help me?"
Thankfully he won't be going until he is 6 so I have two more years to prepare for that. I've always been a fairly emotional person, but since becoming a mother I cry over everything! Those Johnson and Johnson commercials that show cute little babies and say "Having a baby changes everything" are so true. Having children does change everything, they change everything for the better.

I miss my Friends

2007-07-16T11:42:00.000-07:00

Whatever happened to the Sitcom? I grew up on Sitcom's and now all you find on TV are reality shows and most recently game shows. I miss the good ol' days when you could watch Cheers, Family Ties, Growing Pains or Friends. I would still rather watch any one of those shows as opposed to "Are you Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?" By the way, I am not smarter than a 5th grader which is perhaps why I would rather watch Friends. There are a couple of new shows on TV that I do really like, Army Wives on Lifetime is a good show. I also really like Grey's Anatomy. But neither of those satisfy my need for a good laugh like I used to get from watching Ross, Rachel, Chandler, Joey and Phoebe.

I was tagged

2007-07-13T08:02:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I haven't been online in a few days and I come back to find out I've been tagged by my cousin and now have to tell you 8 things about myself that you don't already know. So here are 8 things about me that you may not know depending on who "you" are.

1. While in college I drove from Columbia to St Louis at 3 a.m. with 2 friends to eat at White Castle.
2. I've been bungee-jumping.
3. I went up in a plane to go sky-diving and changed my mind.
4. I get sea-sick every time I go on a boat.
5. I love Silver Dollar City. My favorite ride is the Great American Plunge.
6. I read cheap romance novels.
7. Lola is not my real name. It is the alter-ego bar name I used to give to guys who hit on me.
8. I've been keeping a journal since I was 10 years old and I still have them all.

bits of news

2007-07-02T19:37:00.001-07:00

I look forward to reading the Springfield News-Leader every morning. I sit down with my glass of OJ and try to read the entire paper before I do anything else. My favorite parts of the paper are the Ozarks Voices section and the comics. My favorite comic is "For Better or Worse" I get really wrapped up in the storylines. I read somewhere that Lynn Johnston, the creator of that strip, is actually about to retire. I hope it isn't any time soon because I'll really miss the Patterson family. On a related note, I also read that Captain America was killed. I have to admit I only learned who Captain America was recently due to a Spiderman and Friends game that my son has, but I was sad to learn that a superhero named for our county died. It's seems that far too many of our nation's heros are meeting an untimely death.

Thanks Aunt Di

2007-06-26T20:02:00.000-07:00

I just have to say a great big THANK YOU to my sister-in-law for the gift she gave my son tonight. She brought him a bug house. Sounds innocent enough until I tell you what just happened in my house. Let me set the scene for you.

Husband: Sleeping soundly in our bedroom
Daughter: Sleeping soundly in her bedroom
Son: Sleeping soundly in his bedroom (or so I thought)
Me: Playing on the computer

As I'm writing my last post my son comes tip-toeing down the hallway and says "It's ok, I've almost caught all of them" Alarm bells instantly go off as I realize my 3 year old son has released all the lightening bugs that he and his cousins caught & put in the bug house that his Aunt Di bought him 3 hours ago!!!!!!! I go into my bedroom to try and wake my husband with a shrill "He let the bugs out!" I'm greeted with a mumbled "Damnit" as he rolls back over to sleep. So off I go into the chaos of a toddlers bedroom and begin trying to catch all the recently freed bugs to the cheers of my son saying "It's ok Mom, that one can sleep in my bed." It took every ounce of patience I had not to scream at him "What the hell were you thinking opening that up in my house!!!" Thankfully I was able to maintain my cool and I am happy to report that they have all been captured and placed safely back into their temporary home. At least that is what I'm telling myself!

Summer favorites

2007-06-26T19:01:00.001-07:00

Two of my favorite things about summer involve ice cream. I love the ice cream truck that comes into neighborhoods to deliver push ups and bomb pops, in my house we call him the ding ding man. That is what I always called him growing up and I have not been able to break myself of the habit. I also love the Pineapple Whip girl. I don't actually eat Pineapple Whip but I like to shimmy my hips when I see her and sing "Pineapple Whip Girl". These are two things I am passing on to my children. A love for the ding ding man and the desire to shake their hips when they see the pineapple whip girl. It's fun to relive childhood with your own children.

Thanks for the offer

2007-06-25T08:49:00.000-07:00

After all this time searching for a job I've finally gotten an offer. . . . and I've turned it down. I really did consider accepting it. I found a pre-school for my son, worked out arrangements with family for my daughter, I even negotiated for additional money and for a flexible schedule and then I turned it down.

I was discussing all the benefits of this job with my husband--better insurance, great retirement plan, opportunities for travel, tuition reimbursement, etc. Bob just sat there not saying a word and finally I said "Don't you have anything to say? What do you think about this job?" He looked at me and said, "Do whatever makes you happy." I said "But what do you think? Does this sound like a good fit for me & for our family?" Then he asked the question that made me really stop and think "If you take this job are you going to be back in this same spot a year from now? Are you going to be unhappy again and looking for something else all over? Are you going to be stuck in an job that doesn't provide you with the sense of accomplishment and fullfillment that you are looking for? Are you settling for a job now because you think I'm pressuring you to get one? Are you still going to be wishing for that dream job that you don't have?"

OK, he actually only asked the first question which led me to ask myself all the other questions. I knew I would be settling if I took that job and I was amazed that my husband knew it too.

So now I have a plan to go after a dream I've had for several years, I'm going to teach. I'm applying to substitute teach for now and I'm applying for a teacher certification program at MSU. Since I already have my Bachelors I can apply some of my coursework toward my certification to save time and money. I'm hoping to get into the accelerated program which will allow me to get my Masters degree at the same time.

It's going to be hard to go back to school at age 33 and begin a whole new career but I really believe it's never too late to chase your dreams.

Gambling with the Girls

2007-06-19T19:39:00.000-07:00

Tonight was my monthly Bunco (or Bunko) night. For those of you who don't know Bunco is a 12-peron dice game. It is a very simple game to play, 4 people at 3 tables roll dice for points. Whoever has the most points wins. Apparently it's a very popular game and everyone plays it differently. Some groups play for small gifts like candles, but we play for cash. Each player pays $5 and the biggest payout is $20. Our little group has been playing together for a year now and we really have a lot of fun. A different person hosts each month and it's fun to see how we all do it so differently. My good friend Jaime hosted tonight and she really knows how to host a party. She made enough food for 30 people and really makes everyone feel welcome. I think my favorite thing about Bunco night is after the game is over I usually go and grab ice cream or hang out for a little while with Jaime and Amanda and I get that feeling like I'm 16 years old again and I'm missing my curfew!

Help Wanted

2007-06-18T18:47:00.000-07:00

I hate looking for a job. When I was hired at my last job I swore I would never look for another job again, yet here I am 5 years later unemployed. I've had a job since I was 16 years old, but not now. I'm on month five of not having to drive to work 5 days a week. I should say that I'm not sitting around on the couch watching TV all day. I've got my 3 year old and 5 month old keeping me far busier than I ever thought possible.

I had planned on going back to work after a 12-week maternity leave. But when the time came I realized I couldn't go back to working up to 60 hours a week, missing bed time at least three nights a week, and traveling all over SW Missouri.

I've been on several interviews but so far no job offers. It's actually become a bit of a joke. Up to now I had never been on a job interview where I wasn't offered the job. It sure is a blow to the ego though when you continue to hear "You were an excellent candidate, however we are unable to make you a job offer at this time. We will keep your resume on file for 1 year and if another position becomes available please consider applying."

My very first job was at Waffle House. I was a waitress and I loved it. It was much more fun to work when you weren't working to pay the mortgage. I guess I could always go back there. I still remember how to call in the orders:

Waffle

1 sasage

2 hasbrowns scattered, make one smothered and covered

I have another interview tomorrow. Wish me luck!

The day he died

2007-06-15T08:34:00.000-07:00

I had planned to write this on Wednesday and then again yesterday but honestly I didn't want to see it out in front of me again. I know if I don't write this it will nag at me until I finally do and since this is the appropriate time of year here goes.

My last semester in college was really difficult for me because it was leading up to the first anniversary of my brother's death. I was taking my final technical writing course and our final assignment was to create a "how-to" manual from start to finish. I was in a bit of a slump, barely able to force myself to go to class and the last thing I wanted to do was write a manual to teach anyone how to do anything. I've always kept journals but up to that point I hadn't written anything about my brothers death. So I decided I would write a manual on how to survive the death of a sibling. Death affects everyone in different ways and the death of someone so young is especially hard to understand. But when that person commits suicide that puts understanding and acceptance in a whole new category. My parents found a support group that they attended but I never felt like it was a good fit for me. I knew I needed to tell my story in my own way and my manual helped me to do that. After I completed my manual ( & turned it in for my grade) I destroyed it. I'm not sure why I did that. Again, this was the first year after he died and I did a lot of things I can't explain that summer. I want to write about the day he died, and share a bit of what that day did to me.

On June 13, 1996 I was taking my brother out for his 24th birthday. He was to meet me and a friend at a local comedy club. I don't remember why we were meeting but there was a reason. My brother was late so I called him and there was no answer. I called several times and he never answered and I was getting really pissed. I had talked to him earlier in the day and we had confirmed our plans. I was so mad when he didn't show but I left his ticket out front in case he came late and I went into the club. I sat through the whole set the entire time thinking about why he wasn't there. I started to get really worried and decided we better go check on him.

We left the comedy club and went to my parents house where he was staying. His truck wasn't in the driveway so I figured he wasn't home but decided to go in the house anyway. I went into the living room and his shoes were in laying by the couch. When I saw his shoes I knew something was wrong, he always wore those shoes. I went out to the garage and his truck was parked inside. I really started to freak out then because he never parked in the garage. I walked out to the barn and called his name. I looked in all the buildings but I couldn't find him. I ran back into the house and started calling my relatives to see if anyone knew where he was. It was really late at night and I was starting to really panic 'cause nobody had seen him. They all thought he was with me. My aunt convinced me to come and get her so she could help me look. In the meantime my uncles were coming over to help us look for him too. This may sound like we were overreacting but Lynn had attempted suicide before and so we were all really scared.

After picking up my aunt I drove back home and I remember turning dowm my road and seeing flashing red lights racing to my parents house. I remember hearing sirens from the police and ambulances. I felt relief. I thought that the police were coming to help us look for him. I actually thought the lights and sirens were a good sign. It didn't occur to me to wonder who had called them. I pulled into the driveway and I saw my 3 uncles walking toward me and I don't think I even said anything and one of them said "We found him." I said "Good where is he?" then one of them said "He's dead." I started screaming, crying and hitting whoever was holding me. I don't even remember who it was. They told me that they had found him hanging from a rafter in the barn. I had been in the barn, but I didn't see him . I don't know how that happened but I'm thankful I didn't find him. I'm not sure if I could have recovered from that.

I remember running into the house calling up my brothers ex-wife's house and told her mother to "tell your daughter thanks to her my brother is dead." Then I told my uncles they had to go and get my mom. She was at work and I didn't want her driving home by herself to the horrible scene of police cars and ambulances in her driveway. The police wouldn't let one of my uncles go because he had been the one to cut my brother down. They had to question him because it was considered a crime scene. I remember asking my aunt to go out and try CPR. Then I called my mom's best friend and asked her to come over so my mom would have someone to lean on. Then I called my dad. He was a truck driver and I had no idea for sure where he was. Luckily I found him on my first try . I had to tell my dad over the phone that his only son was dead and that he needed to turn around and come home.

I don't remember seeing my mom when she got home, I know that she went out to see his body. I did not. I know that she was glad I had called Janet and she knew that I called dad. I don't think she and I ever spoke that night. I do remember her telling me to get some sleep the next day. I also remember her telling me to go out and meet my dad when he got home. My uncle had picked up him and driven him home. I walked out to meet him as he climbed out of the truck and he collapsed. I only remember bits of the next few days. I remember calling the morge to see if his body had been transferred to the funeral home. I remember calling the minister to ask him to help plan the funeral. I remember going to the newspaper to place his obituary. My parents and I barely spoke during all of this. We were all to consumed with grief and I had the guilt that if I hadn't stayed for the comedy show that perhaps I could have stopped him.

The funeral was on fathers day. I remember sitting on my grandparent's porch waiting for the car to pick us up to take us to the service. We drove to this little country church that was packed full of our family. I remember my dad breaking down as we walked into the church. I remember thinking during the service that the minister didn't have any idea what he was talking about and wanting to yell at him to shut up. I didn't go up to the casket, I sat on the front pew all by myself while my parents went up there. They had forced me to view him at visitation and I wasn't about to do it again. I remember my uncles and cousins carrying the casket back out to the car and someone broke down. I remember the Garth Brooks song "The Dance" playing at the funeral. I remember my dad standing up to thank everyone for their support. That is the last thing I remember.

My family changed the day he died. My parents and I have never had a close relationship since. In fact I haven't been close to anyone in my family since. I can't explain why. We all changed so much and dealt with his death in very different ways. I'm just not the same without him and being with my family with him not there still doesn't feel right.

I will never fully understand why my brother did what he did. I do think he felt that he had no other options and that was the only way to end his pain. I am sure he had no idea of how much his death would alter my entire family. I'm sure that he didn't mean to kill bits of me too.

A day to remember

2007-06-12T12:06:00.000-07:00

I don't remember much about my brother. I wish I could remember what his favorite movie was, what his favorite song was or any other useless bit of trivia about him. You would think that I could remember more than I do. I was 21 years old when he died, he was 24.

What I do remember is his sense of humor. He had this crazy laugh and would make the silliest faces. I have one picture of him with this crazy look on his face at one of his birthday party's and it is my favorite picture. That is the picture that helps me remember him. I also remember he used to love the song "My future's so Bright I've gotta wear Shades" I think of him when I hear that song.

I wish he was still here so he could meet my son. My son reminds me of him when he laughs. He has the same wide-mouth laugh. My brother would have loved him. In my mind I can picture the two of them together and laughing. That is a picture I wish I could take.

It's heartbreaking to think that my brother never met my husband or either of my children. The three most important people in my life will never get a chance to meet the one person who shared my entire childhood with me. So many times I've wished I could pick up the phone to call him and say "remember the time. . . . . . . "

I hate that we never had the chance to be friends as adults.

Rainy Day

2007-06-11T09:39:00.000-07:00

What a dreary, lazy day. This is a day made for staying in bed and reading a good book. The weather actually reflects my mood so I'm glad that it's a rainy day and I'm also glad the next few days are forecast the same. This is my least favorite week of the year and I prefer it to be gloomy, not sunny and happy. The next two days are really hard days for me and my family. Tomorrow, June 12, is my brother's birthday and he would be turning 35. Wednesday, June 13th, is the 11 year anniversary of his death. Each year these days are a little easier to cope with, but I'm still prefer to have days that are sad to match how I feel.

My first time

2007-06-09T12:09:00.000-07:00

I've spent way too many hours reading other people's blogs and now I find myself sitting here creating my own. I have no idea if anything I have to say will be of any interest to anyone else, but I can't resist the desire to create my own blog even if only I read it. This is (sadly) the most exciting thing I've done in a very long time. Now that I've gotten started I'm afraid this could easily become an addiction.